No Chance, No Way, I Won’t Say I’m In Love

Where do you picture yourself in 5 years?

10 years?

50 years?

No matter what my age is, when ever I am asked this question – be it by someone else or even by my self – my response never chances. I see myself living my dreams:

Living by the sea.

Traveling the world.

Raising goats and sheep, maybe even a cow or two.

Buying and fixing up houses to make a collection of rental properties.

Living in a tiny ouse hooked to the back of a car, traveling where ever the wind takes me.

Being a teacher.

Adopting a child.

Yet, when I’m asked, the thing that never comes up is any romantic involvement. Even as a kid I hardly ever saw my future holding a “Mr Right” somewhere down the line, despite many imagination plays of large families and “prince charmings” (so to speak). My future never included a marital “we” but a happy, living life to the full “me.”

Here recently I’ve gone through changes, and some of that meant I lost some friends along the way (I’m in the market for some new friends so if you’re interested, look me up!) Though, in losing friends I have grown closer to others. Like this one friend…will call him Adam.

Adam and I met in high school and we’ve been friends of acquaintance ever since. There was a year or two in there where we never talked but in reaching out we’ve had the chance to reconnect and it’s been such a blessing in my life. Of all the people I currently know, we think the most alike and we tend to be much the same person. We share similar personalities and likes with enough differences to keep us talking. This is a friend that I’ve looked for in others and had yet to find until Adam and I’s friendship started to blossom.

You could call it a platonic soulmate.

I’ll admit I did have a crush on this kid way back when but I denied it like crazy! A couple months ago I came to realize what I had been feeling for almost six years and I built up my courage to come clean. It felt great to be honest and from it we learned that it was just that a crush – now we’re on to better things, like this awesome friendship!

However…our friends have recently plagued me with this thought that Adam and I will wind up married. Here’s why this is scary:

  1. Seeing myself single. I don’t sit around and dream of the day when “Mr Right” will plop down into my fantasy and fill in around all the careful detail of our wedding and life that I’ve already planned for us. I’m not the time to dream of it all then plug in the guy that fits best – even if I had planned to get married, I wouldn’t plan my life with someone before I met them. I just never imagined myself being tied down or attached to someone and I certainly never envisioned actually meeting someone who fit the bill.
  2. I like us just being friends. I’ve been craving a platonic relationship. A friendship like the one Adam and I have is a big desire of mine, no matter what gender I have it with, and the thought of that relationship changing honestly scares me. I certainly don’t want it to end and I really don’t want what we have to turn romantic – we’re thoughtful, mental/emotional people who see far beyond the surface level of physical attraction and sharing brains is way better that sharing affection, seriously.
  3. I already find it hard enough to make guy friends without the need for someone to fall in love. I’m trying to work on this and change this habit, if you will, of mine and thoughts like these┬ádon’t help. I want to be able to make friends with a guy without thinking “I want to make him fall in love with me” because that, my friends, is an idea that has haunted me since I was little and I was convinced that I HAD to grow up just to get married and make babies. Well I don’t want to do that and I certainly don’t want to think about it every time I look a guy. I’m trying to see everyone as fellow human beings that I just want to share life with.
  4. This is a thought I just got over. I was in a relationship for almost three years and never I felt more free than when that relationship ended. It feels SO GOOD to be single and I don’t want to fall right back into a doting relationship with someone. I also just got over those “crush feelings” that I had avoided for 6 years; let’s not pick up new ones here, got it?
  5. Adam and I already agreed that we’re not each other’s perfect match. We’ve already agreed that we’re friends and that’s all we’ll ever be.

It’s difficult because I really like this guy and my friends are keen for pointing out how fit Adam and I are for each other…but I don’t want to be romantically fit. I just want a friend. Even though my friends have me thinking it, there’s no way I will ever say it.

Because we’re friends, you see.



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